if i can run in heels then i can drive
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
