Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?