My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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