There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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