Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
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Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
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