Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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