I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
