Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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