i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
