I wannas sexs uuuuu
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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