Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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