I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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