im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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