Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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