uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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