I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
