I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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