In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
