i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
