Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
