Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize