Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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