How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
