Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
