I want to stick my p in your. b.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
