She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
