Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she peed on how many people?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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