The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
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this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
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In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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