I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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