Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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