why didn't you poke me back
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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