SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
