All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
