I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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