i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
