My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
