just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
