I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
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I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
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We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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