My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
