dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
