its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
