im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
