I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
