How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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