I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
