I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
