i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
