I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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