She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
