Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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