Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
