my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I forget how to act sober
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
