my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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