If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
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Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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