Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
