my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
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