You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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