Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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