i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
