Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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